I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
