the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
