Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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