Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize