remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
