I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's shark week go big or go home
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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