She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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