Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
As shirtless as possible
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry about my life...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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