My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
