Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
