so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My cat gives me a boner
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
