i jhust puked up my retainher.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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