Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Randomize
