i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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