we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
