Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize