____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
