Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
