32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
