Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
