Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
