The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
