So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
