Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I touched a dick in church today
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
