Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
