Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
