I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
