I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
