a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
