woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
