My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
