Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
