my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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