I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
