Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
