69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
