We're facebook friends in real life
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
