i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
