Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
