Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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