This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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