she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Let's get the cat blown out
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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