She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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