That's intense
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
