Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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