It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
