I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
