So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
