so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
