This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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