I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
