...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
