I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Michael Bay diarrhea
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
