OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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