i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
