does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
