i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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