I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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